“When you are in the pit, there is no magic cure that will get you out of there”: how I live with bipolar disorder

- I was born in a small working village in the Volgograd region. She graduated from high school and went to study in St. Petersburg. Here I still live.

It all started in 2014.

I then just went to the second year, studied perfectly, easily closed the session, they took me to work in the laboratory at the department. I lived in a hostel, away from my parents. At this time, I began to notice changes in my well-being, becoming less and less strength. No matter how much I rested, this did not help: I ​​could not study, I could not work. Then I concluded that I was kind of lazy, terrible, that this was some kind of personality defect.

I did not even imagine that this could be a disease.

Once, for two days, I could not get out of bed. I ate in bed, went to the toilet on the wall. Then I realized: something is wrong, this can no longer be attributed to character. I began to look for a reason.

So began my trip to the doctors.

First I went to the therapist. He directed me to other doctors: I suspected tuberculosis, lupus, pituitary adenoma, reactive arthritis. I passed a bunch of tests, did an MRI. I was terribly upset that all the results were normal.

What is happening to me? Maybe something is wrong in my head?

Then, in the spring, when I was in the subway, I really wanted to jump under the train. I was able to overcome this desire and said to myself: we must go to a therapist. I came to a specialist at the place of registration, they told me: you probably have depression. Appointed treatment. A week later, I returned because it did not help me.

Then they told me: it means this is not depression. But they couldn’t say what it was.

After that I went to another doctor in a neuropsychiatric dispensary (PND). I was sent to the neurosis clinic. There I was diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorder.

I was in the clinic, began to go to the psychotherapist in the PND.

About two years have passed, but my condition has not changed. The doctor didn’t really want to deal with me: he tried to quickly send me out of the office, did not prescribe anything new, wrote out the same prescriptions. The last straw was that at the reception he said that I wasn’t sick, it was just that my character was bad.

Then, a year ago, I went to another psychologist.

He gave me the phone number of his friend psychiatrist, and he finally helped me: I noticed the first improvements only three years after the onset of the disease. After observing me for several months, the psychiatrist said that I had bipolar disorder (BAR), and prescribed a psychotherapeutic correction and drug therapy.

I felt relieved. All my oddities got an explanation. At the same time, I was upset when I found out that I have a BAR - it cannot be cured.

But then I realized that even with these ups and downs of mood you can live.

I have a disorder of the second type, so most often I experience depression, not hypomania. During depression, strength disappears and it does not recover; I start to sleep a lot - eleven to sixteen hours a day. It’s hard for me to concentrate, I can’t complete the tasks. Sometimes it comes to the point that I can’t read.

Some simple things become incredibly complex. After breakfast, wash dishes after yourself - a feat.

I dreamed of getting a higher education, but because of the diagnosis I had to refuse full-time study and transfer to correspondence. The most difficult thing is to accept that at some point you cannot objectively do something. I have a lot of plans, goals, and every time it’s so hard to admit that now I can’t afford it, that I have to postpone it.


“When you are in the pit, there is no magic cure that will get you out of there”: how I live with bipolar disorder

Photo: shutterstock. com

I was lucky with the environment. My young man was always with me (now my husband). We did not live together when it all started, but we were constantly in touch.

When I began to go to the doctors, I began to live with him. He helped as he could, drove me everywhere - m did not get scared, even when I was talking with people. He still supports me morally and financially. Therapist’s treatment is quite expensive.

Parents also helped, especially with the payment of treatment.

Somehow it took my mom to come and sit with me. Later, she admitted to me that she only then believed that something was wrong with me: she saw my condition with her own eyes. Before that, she did not understand, but still continued to support me.

I noticed that the attitude to my diagnosis depends on age: the older people are, the more difficult it is for them to understand and accept. When I was at university, I took academic leave several times, and when I returned, I had to study with younger children.

When those who were two or three years younger than me, found out about my problems, they said: I know about it, my friend has the same thing. But even my peers react strangely. It also happened that many friends of my age, learning about the diagnosis, ceased to communicate with me.

With older people it’s really hard. There are those who are ready to listen to you.

And there are those who immediately go into denial denial and seek to stop communication.

I have been working with a psychologist for two and a half years, and this has changed my life a lot. Thanks to the diagnosis, I learned awareness, the ability to reflect, to understand relationships with other people, to talk with them. He taught me to be attentive to my feelings, reactions, self-care. It’s elementary to admit: I'm tired now, I need to rest - it’s very important.

It helps me that when I feel bad, I’m not embarrassed to ask for help. I liked the phrase from one article about ACT therapy (Acce109tance Commitment Thera117y, acceptance therapy and

responsibility . - Approx. Ed. .

) : "Don't try to change how you feel. Don't try to make you feel better. Work no matter how you feel."

After the treatment was selected for me, the concentration problem became irrelevant. I still feel tired, depressed, but I can get together, concentrate and start working.

I have an incomplete higher education, I work as a programmer. My doctor approves that I decided to go to work. At the interview, I did not talk about my diagnosis, I think that the employer should only be interested in whether I can work. And I can. I really want to go further in my work, provide material support for myself, solve problems and learn something new.

“When you are in the pit, there is no magic cure that will get you out of there”: how I live with bipolar disorder

Photo: shutterstock. com

To the relatives of people who have BAD, I want to say: believe in what the person is saying. No matter how implausible and unfounded his symptoms and complaints may seem, one must definitely believe. In our state, it is very important to hear that no matter how bad you are, you will still be loved and will not be left that your loved ones will always be with you. Even if this phrase has already sounded two hundred times, it is better to say it again.

In this state, it seems that you are left alone and no one will be near.

Those who themselves have encountered this disease, remember: it will become easier for you. You need to understand that when you are in a deep hole, there is no magic cure that will pull you out of there right now. We'll have to wait ( while being treated and observed by a doctor), but then everything will work out.



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