We talk about why it’s worth finally changing anger to mercy and stop reproaching yourself for mistakes. They say it correctly: perfectionists are the most unhappy people in the world.
"It is common for everyone to make mistakes" - ancient wisdom hints already in advance: man is the crown of creation, but not the creator, therefore, he can only strive for perfection, and the essence of this aspiration is in his inaccessibility. But the desire to be the best, to be the first in everything and always, which has become an obsession, can make a person not only the most miserable, but also make him move from the front row to the gallery. And you know why? Because all people are mistaken.
And he too. Only his mistake will become not just a difficulty that must be and can be overcome, but a fatal failure, after which there remains only what to leave, tail tail. And the point is not that the mistakes of perfectionists are fundamentally different from the mistakes of ordinary people, but that the attitude towards them is completely different. If mistakes give rise to endless streams of self-criticism, self-flagellation, total dislike of oneself, then you can safely turn off the computer, put on a coat and go home. It is impossible to work (and just exist) in this state.
And where there is one mistake, there is the second and the third, and it becomes more and more difficult to believe in oneself. So one extreme turns into another, and the perfectionist becomes an outsider.
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Cruelty is a terrible quality , it is akin to poison: first it poisons a person, then this person poisons life to someone else. And no matter how severe the times are, to show cruelty means to multiply hatred with your own hands, which then will more than return to the addressee.
And the person who least deserves the cruel treatment is you yourself. Your mistakes, character flaws, body imperfection - all this deserves work, a sound and sometimes unemotional analysis, but not a wave of criticism. Problems need to be solved, not wasted time hanging labels and repeating the moment (in detail and with special effects) how exactly you stumbled. In addition, numerous studies show that the ability to show compassion for oneself, the ability to be kind to oneself is the key to high results and harmony with oneself.
Christine Neff, professor University of Texas, one of the first to study the phenomenon of compassion. She regards it as an important connecting element between self-acceptance and self-development. So, if you make a mistake, instead of dragging yourself to the bottom with self-criticism, self-compassion allows you to look at the situation not only more calmly, but also more rationally. And the sooner you focus on how to get out of the situation, the higher the chances of doing it the most painlessly.
Christine Neff speaks of the three pillars on which self-compassion is based:
Whatever happens, no matter how low you fall, and no matter how painful it strikes, be kinder to yourself. The strength that helps you stand up is not based on hatred, hostility, or discontent, but on kindness and self-esteem.
So the next time you stumble, think about what it was already, and with everyone. That is, you, on the one hand, get your personal unique experience, but, on the other hand, replenish the universal piggy bank with another story.
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Compassion encourages you to make mistakes not as the collapse of all life, but as useful lessons, having mastered which, you can move on. After all, mistakes are most often the result of ignorance. Therefore, do not waste time quarreling with yourself, but rather delve into the study of the very nature of the error. So you save your nerves, and do not step on the same rake.
Violent self-criticism stimulates no less furious cortisol production (stress hormone), which negatively affects the nervous and immune systems. Moreover, at such a moment it is impossible to think appropriately and make informed decisions, so the likelihood that you will make another million mistakes is off scale. But if self-flagellation is replaced by self-compassion, then another hormone, oxytocin, comes in place of cortisol, due to which there is a feeling of calm and confidence.
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Often the way we perceive ourselves, largely depends on how others perceive us.
And if we get public approval of our actions, then we immediately feel more confident, and our self-esteem is growing. But if the society remains deaf to everything that we do, it causes discontent with ourselves, which ultimately leads to depression and loss of life guidelines. The paradox is that in this case, our self-esteem is a combination of external factors that, in fact, do not depend on us. But if you under any circumstances (both in grief and joy) treat yourself with respect and show compassion, then you will not become dependent on public opinion and will not suffer if it turns out to be negative.
Criticism of one’s own body is so commonplace that it creates the feeling that there is not a single person in the world who is happy with his own reflection in the mirror.
It’s not true, there are such people, and there are many of them! And this is by no means Hollywood stars and not fitness models, but the most ordinary people who respect their body and love it. After all, love primarily consists in caring. So, compassion for their own body, they will not stuff it with kilograms of french fries and liters of soda.
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Of course, compassion is not will become a lightning rod and will not save from all troubles.
It will not save, but when hard times come, it will help them survive. And the point here is the third component of compassion - awareness. You understand that the negative emotions that you experience are absolutely natural now, but they are not you. You will be able to distance yourself from momentary feelings and realize that these are just emotions, and this is just now that needs to be experienced. And tomorrow will be better.
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