The author of the book “Children about the important. About Dima and others. How to talk about complex topics” Natalia Remish explains why they need to talk about sex with children, what mistakes parents most often make in communicating with the child and why you never need to get away from the answers. This material is worth reading to everyone - not just parents.
Natalya Remish // Photo: Dilyara Ramazanova
- It seems to me that there is an initial contradiction in the very phrase “talking with a child about sex”.
Frankly, I don’t want to talk about sex with my friends either. This is my personal area of interest, my privacy. Unfortunately, I cannot offer a more correct wording that would cover all issues. It is probably more correct to separate topics: security, personal boundaries, gender, gender relations, ethics of behavior and others. So this is not quite a conversation about sex, this is a conversation about a culture of communication.
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Each of the topics is important in its own way. For example, to teach a child to call genitals medical terms is important, first of all, for his safety. Children who know the correct terminology fall out of the interest of pedophiles, because they seem more educated in this aspect.
Of course, it is equally important to say that people have a physical attraction to each other and the child can cause interest in the opposite sex.
I remember my completely shocked state when I returned home after the summer and suddenly began to feel the looks of men on me. Over this summer, I apparently became like a girl, and the reaction of neighbors, passersby and boys in the classroom followed immediately. But for me, that summer, nothing has changed. I left home as a child and returned as a child. I completely did not understand how to react to this attention and what caused it.
I was scared - a double sensation awoke in me: the attention was pleasant, I became interesting to adults, but at the same time I was nauseous from these views. In such a period, it is important to talk with the child that he or she begins to look older, her or his age is difficult to determine “by eye,” and people can react accordingly.
Recently I received a letter in the mail from a girl whom, at ten years old, a man brought into the staircase under the pretext of finding a lost kitten. There, at the entrance, he began to take off her clothes and touch her, but she simply did not understand what was going on. Often, parents, protecting children from premature growth, do not consider in what unsafe environment they - children - live.
- Aware, then armed. Only 2-3 people and a doctor can talk with a child that they can undress him and touch his body, not talking about sex. This is the prevention of violence.
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The main mistake is a hypertrophied reaction and avoiding conversation.
It seems to me that this is a shame that people disguise as indignation, aggression or irony. What do the parents answer the questions: "I have pisya, but what about the boys?" or "Mom, what is a condom for?" They giggle, roll their eyes, holding their breath, exchanging glances with their spouse. “Well, it’s begun,” slips in my head, and my parents immediately turn their attention: “Go better, remove the toys. It's too early for you to think about it.” And when will he start thinking?
Judging by my practice, my parents set the line of 13-14 years.
It seems to them that then it will be time. But at 13, the children already knew everything, and it is unlikely that the parents will be satisfied with the form and method of obtaining information. In addition, the information may be distorted. For example, I recently learned from my daughter that it is impossible to get heterosexual through HIV. Even teenagers often believe that during the first sexual intercourse it is impossible to get pregnant, and oral and anal sex are absolutely safe in terms of diseases.
Many girls are faced with the fact that until the age of 14 they are in a complete informational vacuum on the topic of sex. And at 14, parents fall upon them with warnings about an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. With this approach, the child will definitely not want to come to mom or dad and ask him a question on this subject. He may not even have sex, but he may be worried about whether his parents are generally ready to accept the fact that this will someday happen.
If we are talking about sexual intercourse, it is better not to delve into the anatomy of penetration. We can say that sex is a format of relationships between people, a form of love, physical and emotional interaction. These are touches, kisses, dialogue of two bodies, interconnection. Try to explain to your child what dinner is. What will you tell? This is the time when the family gathers at the table, loved ones eat and discuss the past day, they exchange news, sometimes quarrel and laugh.
It is unlikely that you will describe the digestive process. No, dinner is emotions, communication. That's the sex too.
Leaving the answer, you create a secret. Mystery provokes interest.
The child will try to solve this mystery. Moms write to me that in the first grade, children drive into Google "aunt touches uncle for pussy" and watch the whole class. If you don’t buy a phone for your child, he will find it on his classmate’s phone.
Do not be afraid of any questions. If the child asks, then you have excellent contact with him.
This means that he is not intimidated, not depressed, he trusts you. Aggressive reaction of parents to questions that confuse them creates a taboo. The child will no longer want to step on this "path" and will rather turn to Google or friends.
- The most important thing is to give your child the feeling that you are ready to talk. And not at 13, but since childhood.
So that at the age of 14, the daughter does not come with the fear that the boy will abandon her if she does not give him a blowjob, it is necessary to discuss the primary sexual characteristics with her in two years. Only then will she trust you.
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If the child saw you having sex and you know about it, I would advise the therapist to show the child. The phrase, which is often used by young parents - “he set us on fire”, significantly understates the scale of the tragedy.
For children, seeing parents during sex is tantamount to violence. This must be avoided by all means.
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This topic is acute in our society. Each family decides this question itself.
I tell my children that love is different. If a child asks me: “Mom, are there two aunts kissing?”, I will answer: “Yes, two. It happens.” Parents need to first sort out all the complex, at first glance, issues themselves.
If the child admitted being gay, parents are better off reacting in the same way as if the child had shaved his whiskey, decided not to go to college, had his entire back tattooed, or left for Africa on a humanitarian mission , chose a path different from the choice of the majority.
But everyone decides for himself. I accept my children and their path. Therefore, I would advise you to support the child and say: "Thank you for telling me / telling me. It is important for me that you trust me. Will you introduce me?" >
Otherwise, the child will get confused.
It’s better to use humor rather than moralizing.
.", "Whenever I ask ..." Firstly, this is not true, therefore it is even more offensive.
Secondly, it crosses out everything said afterwards - the child ceases to understand that it is a question of a specific situation, and for him your words again become just abuse.
I’m angry with you, and I’m very sorry for myself.”
Maybe it was only imagining. But all of a sudden ... It would be nice if we told each other the truth.
” Do not throw charges if this turns out to be true. If you lied, then there was a reason. Maybe it’s in you.